The following satirical letter is from USA Today. It was written by Ben Carter, and first appeared in the Louisville Courier-Journal.
Everyone knows that if President Trump resigns, he’ll do it on Twitter. Richard Nixon resigned in a letter to Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, so here’s a letter of resignation from Trump to Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. It's about 4,338 characters that he can copy and paste into about 32 tweets any time he’s ready. Preferably sooner rather than later.
Dear Secretary Tillerson,
Before I make Mike Pence the next president — he will be a great president — probably almost as great as me. Before I make him president, I want to thank my many admirers for their support. To the HUGE majority of Americans who trusted me to be president, thank you. I am deeply humbled by your faith. No one has ever been more humbled.
I have rewarded your faith with tremendous accomplishments and hard, hard work. I haven’t been golfing since my historic victory. And, I definitely haven’t been making taxpayers pay for the Secret Service to rent golf carts from me to protect me at my golf courses. Believe me.
No president has ever worked harder than I have. My administration has done more in less time than anyone else. And, we did it all with NO HELP from the losers in the press and crybabies in Congress and showboaters in law enforcement who are RUINING America.
The vast majority of Americans know that my victory last November — record-breaking, really, a landslide, the largest election victory in history — my victory and policies are moving this country in the white, I mean, right direction again. America is GREAT again!
And, folks, FOLKS: We are still going to have health care. Big, beautiful health care — best in the world. I promised that everyone would be covered and they will. The Congressional Budget Office estimates that my bill will increase costs and cause 23 million people to lose insurance. The CBO is FAKE NEWS, just a bunch of Democrats with slide rules.
You may have heard that my budget eliminates funding for the Appalachian Regional Commission. It doesn’t. Believe me. My budget director can’t know everything that I’m doing and thinking — I’m moving very fast. We are going to go to Congress and get MORE money for the Appalachian Regional Commission. I love Eastern Kentucky. West Virginia. Real Americans. Beautiful people.
With Mike Pence as president, we will continue to MAKE AMERICA GREAT. He and Mitch McConnell are working hard on tax relief, rounding up and deporting people, scrapping net neutrality rules, privatizing prisons, unwinding stupid regulations on banks and industries. LAW AND ORDER.
Speaking of law and order, as my last act as president, I am pardoning some members of my campaign staff and administration. First, your next president of the United States, Mike Pence. I’m pardoning him even though he did nothing wrong. Noth-ing. No one did anything wrong, but especially not Mike.
Next, I’m pardoning Michael Flynn, a great American. Wish I’d never let him go. The DEEP STATE wants you to believe that Michael Flynn took hundreds of thousands of dollars from Turkey and failed to register as a foreign agent. Didn’t happen. They want you to believe that he advocated for Turkey-friendly policies during my transition because he had received over half-a-million dollars in lobbying money. They claim he “lied” on paperwork and “lied” to Mike Pence about talking with Russian agents. FAKE NEWS. The real liar is CROOKED HILLARY. Lock her up!
I’m also pardoning my son-in-law, Jared Kushner, who has been treated very unfairly. The kid is big league. Did I ask him to set up a secret back channel line of communication with the Russian government using equipment in the Russian Embassy? I don’t know. But, you have to admire his spunk and smarts. Zero foreign policy experience and he already knew enough not to trust his own intelligence agencies.
Finally, I’m pardoning myself. My lawyers have told me that I may not have the authority to pardon myself. But, it’s not a conflict because I’m president. My lawyers — I have the best lawyers — have also told me that I don’t need to pardon myself because I didn’t know enough about how the federal government works to have intentionally obstructed justice. It’s true: Me and my people asked other intelligence services to pressure the FBI to stop investigating ties between my campaign and Russia. It’s true: I fired that showboater James Comey to put an end to the Russia stuff, FAKE NEWS. Just in case, I hereby pardon myself.
I have been badly mistreated. It’s abuse, really, but I was willing to take it because I love America. Big, beautiful America.
I know all the elite-coast Democrats and crooked media people are dreaming of impeaching me, of the day they can turn to me and say, “Donald, you’re fired.” Well, guess what? THEY’RE FIRED. I resign.