The Anonymous Resister (A Satire)

(Cartoon image is by Kevin Siers in The Charlotte Observer.)

The most discussed item on cable news for the past few days has been the op-ed in the New York Times by an anonymous senior official in the Trump administration. It made Trump furious, and has more than two dozen administration officials scrambling to deny they wrote it. Some people have praised the writer and others have condemned him/her.

But the best piece I've seen by anyone is this bit of satire written by Alexandra Petri in The Washington Post. It is extremely funny and right on target. This is just part of it.

When you think of the Resistance, you probably don’t think of a group of senior Trump administration officials. But, you see, that is your mistake. That is exactly what I am, and I am resisting more than any of you, in your hats with your signs.

You may ask: Is President Trump a threat to this country and all that it stands for?

Absolutely. Yes.

We are all continually traumatized. I don’t know how we are going to get through each week. . . .

We leave every meeting having aged eight years. Horror turns our faces even whiter than usual (and they started off pretty white). I entered this administration a comparatively young man/woman; now I am broken and bent with sorrow, and my liver is giving out. . . .

I would like to publish this in a newspaper so that someone will read it and feel that there is a steady hand on the tiller, sometimes, except when obviously there isn’t. If I get fired by tweet, please know that I stand proudly by these words. My name is Unnamed Trump Administration Official Who Wished To Remain on Background. . . .

Trump is wrong to say that he is surrounded by a deep state of people working and conspiring to undermine his policies at every turn. He is surrounded by a steady state of people working and conspiring to undermine his policies at every turn, except for those that involve deregulation and stopping Certain People from coming here, which we are all for.

I am not part of the Resistance you think of when you think of the Resistance. I walk through marches with an expression of irritation, and I disdain women and pink hats. The two in tandem are more than I can bear. . . .

But I have been resisting as best I know how. I often knock papers off his desk to prevent him from signing them. Once I stuffed an entire memo in my mouth while his back was turned. Another day I knew that it would startle and confuse him to learn that there was such a person as Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, so I ran through the White House devouring every newspaper I could see. One day he picked up a red phone and said, “I would like to Start World War III, please, I don’t care with whom,” and if it had not been for me on the other line pretending to be a dial tone, who can say what would have happened. It is these little things that make all the difference between the unimaginable chaos you see and an unimaginable worse chaos. Once in a meeting he became upset because I made a positive remark about John McCain, and we had to pretend that he had force-choked me to death. My limp form was carried out by aides. But fortunately the next day, he had forgotten, and I was able to keep my position. After Vice President Pence and his rabbit did something that bothered him, we told him that Pence had been sent to the cornfield. Sometimes I call his phone pretending to be the president of France so that he can yell at me and not our ally. He derailed the last meeting we had by making truck noises, and he would not stop even when asked nicely by several other senior officials who will also remain nameless. I am positive he thinks NAFTA is a naughty word for a body part and NATO is a kind of expensive fruit. Honestly, I don’t know what he thinks. Sometimes I think his mind is just a loose marble rolling around and if he tilts his head to one side you can hear it. He spent a whole Cabinet meeting asking us what an updog was. Once he made Sean Spicer eat an entire chocolate cake. . . .

But don’t worry. I am there. I keep thinking we should maybe say something, anonymously, but then I think, what if I just said something more, anonymously.

I am part of the real resistance: the Trump administration. That is what I have persuaded myself to think. Doesn’t that reassure you?