The Real Reasons Cruz Returned From Mexico (Satire)

Senator Ted Cruz committed a giant political blunder. While his fellow Texans were suffering without heat in a below zero winter storm, Cruz and his family flew to Cancun in Mexico (where it was a balmy 80 degrees. He returned after one day there, saying he just took his family there and really wanted to be in Texas to help his constituents. No one believes that. He returned because he was being roasted in the media (and had become a joke on social media).

With her tongue firmly planted in her cheek, Eva Raggio of the Dallas Observer has "discovered" the real reasons Cruz returned from Mexico. She writes:

Through some relentless independent research, however, we were able to find the real reasons Cruz returned to Texas.

1. He’d forgotten to bring his “I really don’t care do you? “ jacket.

2. His all-inclusive hotel didn’t include free porn.

3. He got an alert for an Amazon package arrival and didn’t want to risk it getting stolen.

4. He was really on a secret plastic surgery trip but the doctors said they could not make him look “more like Stormy Daniels.”

5. He forgot he left his garage door open.

6. He couldn’t find a Taco Bell in Mexico. Or any “Tex-Mex.”

7. He got mad when someone mistook him for a worm from a tequila bottle.

8. The hotel manager refused to have staff fold the towels into the shape of baby elephants.

9. He was triggered when he watched The Mandalorian on the flight there and was reminded that Gina Carano was kicked off the show. 

10. His suite update was canceled, and he’s against cancel culture. 

11. He forgot that Mexico also had coronavirus.

12. He'd read a sign on the airport that said he was "duty free," but then later learned he'd misunderstood.

13. He couldn’t find a hairdresser who’d refused to shut her salon during lockdowns.

14. He didn’t realize people wanted him to do his job when he’s consistently asked to resign.

15. He wanted to watch the Rover landing and couldn’t find reliable Wi-Fi.

16. He couldn't take more sun because he was sufficiently roasted on the internet.

17. Mexico didn’t want him there.

18. His family didn’t want him there.