Vote GOP - And Watch Your Problems Multiply!

The following is a very funny satire by Alexandra Petri (pictured) in The Washington Post. As usual, satire works best when it contains a lot of truth.

Voters! We are thrilled to see that so many of you are leaning R this fall! And we hear it’s because of … the economy? Wild!

To our knowledge, we haven’t been saying anything about the economy or offering any kind of exciting plan to fix it! As far as I can see, we’ve just been calling Joe Biden a socialist, fear-mongering about the existence of trans people and suggesting that people who want us to denounce antisemitism are Like “1984,” But Worse!

That’s why we appreciate your confidence so much! As you clearly have realized, when one thing is going very poorly, you have options! Try to fix it, or just make everything else worse, too! Vote Republican, and we guarantee to do our level best to distract you from the economy by impeaching everyone in government, putting Marjorie Taylor Greene in charge of more things, and, in our spare moments, urging the Supreme Court to eliminate any more rights or protections that might be lying around!

I have always been a big believer in the idea that if you have a stomach ulcer, you should immediately also break your arm. Suddenly, the stomach ulcer is just one of a large set of problems you are dealing with! Time you would have spent dwelling on it is now time you will have to spend figuring out how to open heavy doors and brush your teeth with a cast. Well, that is how we feel about the economy. Is it bad? Absolutely! Do we have solutions? Is more tax cuts for the wealthy a solution? Okay, how about holding the debt ceiling hostage while we make cuts to Medicare? Please do not tell us if it’s not a solution, because it’s all we brought!

Is … book bans? You have to think that if the supply of books goes down, the price of books goes up, and that’s probably good for bookmakers, right? I don’t understand how this works! Anyway, we are definitely going to ban books!

Is … getting rid of access to abortion going to help the economy? We have to think not, right? Forcing more people to give birth in a system where there is already a grievous lack of support for parents is probably going to make it worse, not better, right? But the point is, we’re excited to find out! And, as I’m sure you realized when you decided to vote for us, the time you’re going to spend watching in horror as we force people to bear their rapists’ babies and threaten the jobs of doctors who try to provide life-saving care in the event of pregnancy loss is time you won’t be staring at your wallet! If you get arrested for missing your period, then having your period, inflation certainly won’t be the first thing on your mind!

Has the economy gotten worse under Joe Biden? Yes. Will it get worse if you return a Republican majority to Congress this fall? Almost certainly also yes! But there will also be so many other things going on that you won’t have time to worry about it.

Consider: More than 370 Republican candidates for national or statewide office have cast doubt on the 2020 election! So you’ll get to worry about the demise of democracy in addition to the decreasing value of your dollar! Not only will you need more dollars to achieve the same outcome, but thanks to gerrymandering and the new spate of state officials disinclined to approve ballots with which they disagree, you will need more votes to achieve the same outcome, too!

In the meantime, look forward to lots more bills preventing you from mentioning that gay people exist, and requiring children to have genital exams to play sports! And maybe we’ll even come for gay marriage! Who knows! Anything to keep your mind off the economy! You’ll be so busy watching your liberties erode right and left (but mostly right) that you won’t even notice the rise of gas prices!

As you hurtle across state lines in an ambulance on the brink of death, your rights decimated, your vote uncounted, your libraries shuttered — I guarantee the last thing you’ll be thinking about is the economy! Just like you wanted! Vote Republican today!