Tucker Says Meteor Didn't Destroy Dinosaurs (Satire)

 

Alexandra Petri (pictured) has written a very funny bit of satire on Tucker Carlson's attempt to justify the January 6th attack on the Capitol. Here is what she wrote for The Washington Post:

I got an advance transcript of Tucker Carlson’s next several shows, operating under the same premise as his recently released, selectively edited Jan. 6 coverage! It follows.

Viewers! For too long, Big Paleontology and the mainstream media have lied to you, saying that the planet was hit by a meteorite that caused dinosaurs to go extinct. That’s what they want you to think. But I’ve looked at the footage and — it’s just not the case. For the overwhelming, vast majority of the time that dinosaurs were walking around on Earth, there’s not a single meteorite to be seen.

Mostly, the dinosaurs were not impacted by a meteorite, actually. Finally, someone with the courage to say it. It makes you wonder: What else are they keeping from us?

Here are hundreds — indeed, thousands of hours of dinosaurs walking around, browsing through foliage. The occasional T. rex attack. Not a meteorite in sight. Nor, I should add, a meteor, as these so-called scientists would have you call the same object when it’s burning up in the atmosphere. Two names for the same thing? Seems fishy to me. And speaking of fishy, here is a plesiosaurus. You will notice that it is just swimming around, definitely not extinct. This is what the mainstream media doesn’t want you to see. Pretty clear proof that this so-called meteorite is vastly overblown. If this meteorite really did hit, then why do I have so much footage of dinosaurs just walking around, eating leaves and, frankly, boring me to tears?

To those so-called experts who would say, “Are you saying a meteorite did not hit the Earth and cause the dinosaurs to go extinct?” I reply, “Why is that the headline? For the majority of the time, that wasn’t what has happening. Why does that get to be the story? Who decides?” I am just asking questions.

Next, we will observe footage that reveals Abraham Lincoln was mostly not assassinated — I have almost an hour of footage of him enjoying a theater performance without incident! And footage showing that for the overwhelming majority of his life, Elvis was alive. Next, lots of footage of the Hindenburg flying without a single problem! Makes you wonder who stood to gain by painting it as a disaster! We will be following this with footage of people eating lead paint and going “Mm, delicious!” and ... absolutely nothing happening to them, as far as we can tell! Here is someone jumping out of a building using a MyPillow as a parachute and — it seems to be working, for the part of the footage that matters! Also, here is some footage of people counting ballots — when they were counting, Donald Trump was ahead, and I think that says it all.

Now that your eyes are opened, there is no end to what you can call into question!

And stay tuned for my selectively edited reel of myself being a responsible newsman. That will be coming, as soon as I can find any footage.