Trump Math: The Answer Is What He Wants It To Be (Satire)

Alexandra Petri (pictured) pokes satirical fun at the math of Donald Trump in The Washington Post:

I am genuinely unsure whether Donald Trump understands how numbers work. As far as I can tell, he thinks math is a feeling and you can make a number as big as you want it to be by just wanting it enough, or as small as you want it to be just by ignoring it.

He famously said that this was how his own net worth worked: “My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with markets and with attitudes and with feelings — even my own feelings.” He recently said his live-streamed conversation with Elon Musk (actual attendance 1.1 million) would be listened to by, variously, 60 million or 25 million. And he claims that his Jan. 6, 2021, rally drew more people than the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech at the National Mall.

To further illustrate this point, I have created a Trump math quiz so that we can all experience the joys and pangs of experiencing numbers in this thrilling way:

1. A train leaves California traveling at 80 miles per hour. Does it matter that it leaves California, if Kamala Harris would turn the whole country into California with her leftist agenda?
2. Eight thousand people are having second thoughts about JD Vance. How many thoughts is that, assuming they all had first thoughts and no one is having third thoughts?
3. JD Vance, a childless woman with a cat, a childless woman without a cat, two parents with three children, and two cats who appear to be free agents, walk into a bar. How many votes are in the bar?
4. Donald Trump speaks for one minute. He speaks for two minutes. He speaks for 90 minutes. How great is that?
5. A poll show that Kamala Harris is up 2 percent in a crucial state. How many years should the pollster go to jail?
6. There are six red states and seven blue states. How many states are there in all, not counting the blue states?
7. A trolley is barreling towards 20 people who are strapped to a railroad track. You can divert the trolley and hit only one person by pushing a lever. What is the maximum number of people you can hurt with the trolley?
8. It would take 3 weeks to put up 271 miles of wall. But Kamala Harris won’t do it. Why won’t she do it?
9. A stadium in Philadelphia seats 8,000 people. It is full of Kamala Harris supporters. A room in Phoenix seats 29 people. They are Donald Trump supporters. Which room holds more people?
10. Donald Trump is found guilty on 34 felony counts. How many counts is that, really?
11. Every time Donald Trump writes or speaks about Kamala Harris, he adds a new consonant to her name. After six speeches, what will her name be?
12. Dennis purchases two Truth Social shares for $39.99 apiece. The total is $319.99. What is wrong with this sentence?
13. If Dennis were sufficiently loyal, how many shares of Truth Social should he have purchased?

Answer key: If you are Donald Trump, you got a perfect score! The numbers obey you, not the other way around. If you are anyone else — check with Donald Trump!