Sunday, July 28, 2024

The GOP Has Trouble Avoiding Racist/Sexist Speech (SATIRE)

Alexandra Petri (pictured) pokes fun at the House Republican caucus in this satirical post in The Washington Post:

At a closed-door meeting of House Republicans on Tuesday, National Republican Congressional Committee chairman Richard Hudson (R-N.C.) urged lawmakers to stick to criticizing Vice President Harris for her role in Biden administration policies.

“This election will be about policies and not personalities,” House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.) told reporters after the meeting.


“This is not personal with regard to Kamala Harris,” he added, “and her ethnicity or her gender have nothing to do with this whatsoever.” — Associated Press, July 24


Chairman: Hi, members! Thanks for joining this impromptu session! Totally unnecessary, of course. Just an abundance of caution. Just, remember, BRATS! Bag Racism, Avoid The Sexism! If you could turn your attention to the whiteboard please.


[Chairman painstakingly writes “RACIST, SEXIST ATTACKS ON VP KAMALA HARRIS.” Audience murmurs knowingly.]


[Chairman draws a large X through “RACIST, SEXIST ATTACKS ON VP KAMALA HARRIS.” Members gasp.]


Member: I have a question. I saw that you wrote “racist, sexist attacks on VP Kamala Harris” on the board, and I was with you. But then you drew an X through it. Does that mean, make racist, sexist attacks on Vice President Harris on X?


Several members: Ohhhh.


Chairman: No. It means, don’t make racist, sexist attacks on Kamala Harris. Attack her policies instead.


Member: Okay. Interesting.


[Beat.]


Member: Okay, I see that it says “Don’t make racist, sexist attacks on VP Harris.” But suppose I am tired and somebody is asking me a lot of questions. Then can I do one?


Chairman: Still no.


Member: Just a little one?


Chairman: No.


Member: Well, can I make a racially tinged remark that some listeners decry as sexist?


Chairman: As far as I can tell, that is the same thing, so, ideally, no?

Member: Huh. How can I know if what I’m saying is okay or if people will see it as some kind of racist, sexist attack?


Chairman: If you’re not sure, before you make an attack on Harris, ask yourself, “Would I say this about Mitt Romney?” And if you wouldn’t, don’t.


Member: So I can say, “Although I know how to pronounce that first name, I dislike having to do so. I don’t think we should have a president with that first name.”

Other member: “I think the number of kids that this candidate has is wrong.”


Chairman: I guess you found some loopholes. No. Please don’t say that. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say about any other male, White vice president: say, Mike Pence —


[Members lean forward and start murmuring excitedly.]


Chairman: I take that back! Another bad example. Please, please don’t say any of the things you said about Mike Pence about her. Maybe let’s brainstorm things that would be okay to say. Like, try making “I” statements and focusing them on policies, such as, “I think Kamala Harris’s wild, outrageous health-care policies are too far left for this country.”


Member: Point of order — would I say that about Mitt Romney?


Chairman: Wouldn’t you?


Member: think she is a childless cat lady.


[Chairman sighs.]


Member: JD Vance said it, not me!


Chairman: Yes, I know, we’re having a separate meeting with him.


Member: Can I call her ungrateful?


Chairman: No.


Member: But JD Vance —


Chairman: We are aware of the JD Vance situation. Please, forget personal attacks, and say things about her politics.


Member: I dislike her laugh. I consider the laughter of women sinister. I am threatened when women laugh. I want to outlaw all abortions.


Chairman: No! No! No! Just, please stop saying the quiet parts out loud. They are supposed to be a dog whistle, plausibly deniable, audible only to those who know to listen, not, as they have been in all these cases, a deafening foghorn. Try again.


Member: “When I think about the prospect of a Kamala Harris presidency, I feel economically anxious.”


Chairman: [Sighs.] Better?

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