A Bit Of Snark From David Van Os

The great Texas progressive, David Van Os (pictured above), has unleashed a bit of snark on Big Oil. As usual, I reprint his words here:

Poor Exxon-Mobil.

It is forced against its will to raise gasoline prices to nearly $4 per gallon. It has no choice. It has to raise the price to consumers in order to cover its costs.

Oops, there’s a slight flaw in that explanation. Exxon-Mobil made 10.7 billion dollars profit in the first quarter of 2011.

Wait; there is a better explanation. Exxon-Mobil didn’t raise the price of gasoline. The price raised itself!

Some outside force seems to have taken over the necessary computer keyboards, entered the computer programs, and inserted higher prices.

It must be the work of the awesomely powerful, invisible, mysterious force known as The Market. Though none can see it, The Market is a universal force, all around us, inside us and outside us, ever present, ever flowing, always beneficent if not interfered with.

An elite order of noble servants of the people known as the CEO Knights preserves a closely guarded secret knowledge, handed down from master to apprentice over many generations, which teaches how to keep The Market flowing freely, because if permitted to flow freely it will always protect the weak and helpless and preserve justice and democracy in our world.

This must be one of the occasions when the evil cave dwellers known as Liberals have interfered with the free flow of The Market and thus provoked it into irrational anger, by which it raised the price of gasoline. But we know we can count on the noble CEO Knights to continue to protect us through their continual sacrifices. As an example of their sacrifices, the leading masters of the CEO Knights are traumatizing themselves by accepting ever more millions of dollars in average annual compensation.

We owe them our greatest appreciation for agreeing to the fearsome responsibility to accept and guard our resources in their personal accounts. Now, we all need to transfer all the rest of our money and assets to the great and noble order of the CEO Knights in order to enable them to free The Market and thus save us from these high gasoline prices and other ravages caused by interference with The Market’s freedom.

David Van Os