Legalizing Gay Marriage Would . . .

I shamelessly stole this post from the excellent blog Thurman's Notebook, but it was just too funny not to pass on. He called it "Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage Must Never Be Legal". Enjoy.

1 – Homosexuality is unnatural and Americans always reject unnatural things such as polyester, breast implants, automobiles, and air conditioning.

2 – Legal gay marriage would encourage people to be gay, the same way that associating with tall people will make you tall or being around blue-eyed people will change your eye color .

3 – Gay marriage is a gateway to all kinds of other “deviant” behavior. If gay marriage is legalized some people might even try to marry other species since dogs, cats, sheep, and other animals all have the ability to sign a marriage contract.

4 – The institution of marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all like many of the principles on which this great nation was founded. Women are still the property of their husbands, black people still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5 – Marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage, or the serial marriages of Newt ‘Always Looking For An Upgrade’ Gingrich would be utterly destroyed.

6 – Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay people, infertile couples, and very old people should not be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children. (This argument can also be applied to the abortion issue.)

7 – Gay parents will raise gay children, since heterosexual parents always produce straight children.

8 – Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire nation. That’s why we have only one religion in the United States.

9 – Children can never succeed without both a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are expressly forbidden to raise children in this country.

10 – Gay marriage will undermine the very foundation of our society. Americans, and human beings in general are incapable of adapting to new social norms. We haven’t adapted to cars, the service economy, cable television, or global computer networks.