I Believe Donald Trump (A Scathing Bit Of Satire)

If you're not a subscriber of The Washington Post, you should be. For a small fee, you get a lot of news and opinion -- and the truth about Donald Trump (the most incompetent and corrupt person to ever live in the White House).

The Post has scored again with this brilliant bit of satire by George T. Conway III (Kellyanne Conway's husband).

As with all good satire, there is a lot of truth in this piece. It gives us an amazing list of the crazy things a person would have to believe to remain a Trump supporter.

Mr. Conway writes:

I believe the president Made America Great Again. I believe we need him reelected to Make America Great Again Again.

I believe Joe Biden is “Sleepy” and “weak.” I believe Biden could “hurt God” and the Bible.

I believe that if Biden is elected, there will be “no religion, no anything,” and he would confiscate all guns, “immediately and without notice.” He would “abolish” “our great,” “beautiful suburbs,” not to mention “the American way of life.” There would be “no windows, no nothing” in buildings.

I believe the news media would have “no ratings” and “will go down along with our great USA!” if the president loses — and that this would be bad even though the media is fake.

I believe it’s normal for the president to say “Yo Semites” and “Yo Seminites,” “Thigh Land,” “Minne-a-napolis,” “toe-tally-taria-tism,” “Thomas Jeffers” and “Ulyss-eus S. Grant.” I believe it’s Biden who’s cognitively impaired.

I believe the president “aced” a “very hard” impairment test, and that his “very surprised” doctors found this “unbelievable.” I believe it was “amazing” he remembered five words, such as “person, woman, man, camera, TV” — in correct order. I believe he took the SAT himself.

I believe the president has “a natural ability,” like his “great, super-genius uncle” from MIT, which is why he  understands “that whole world” of virology and epidemiology.

So I believed the president in January and February when he said covid-19 was “totally under control,” that it was Democrats’ “new hoax,” and that he was “not at all” worried about a pandemic. I believed him in March when he said he “felt it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic.”

I believe the president and the doctor who believes in demon sperm and the medical use of space alien DNA, and not Anthony S. Fauci, who’s an “alarmist” and “wrong.”

I believe the president’s suggestions that physicians should try injecting patients with household disinfectants, and shining ultraviolet light inside their bodies, make perfect sense.

I believe the “books” and “manuals,” if someone would just read them, say “you can test too much” for covid-19. I believe we now have 5 million casesbecause we test so much, and that the president was right to slow testing down, unless he was kidding — in which case he was right not to.

I believe that the president has done a tremendous job fighting the virus — and that he shouldn’t “take responsibility at all”— even though about 160,000 Americans have died. I believe the virus “is what it is.”

I believe it isn’t racist to call the coronavirus “kung flu” or “the ChinaVirus.” It isn’t racially divisive to say Black Lives Matter is a “symbol of hate,” to celebrate Confederate generals as part of our “Great American Heritage,” or to share video of someone shouting “white power,” which, like displaying the Confederate flag, is “freedom of speech.”

I believe that “when the looting starts, the shooting starts,” and that the president was just stating a fact, not making a threat, when he said that. I believe it was fine for federal law enforcement to fire tear gas and rubber pellet grenades at protesters so that the president could pose with a Bible in front of a church.

I believe that a 75-year-old protester in Buffalo may have been “an ANTIFA provocateur” who intentionally cracked his own skull in a “set up.”

I believe Rep. John Lewis made a “big mistake” not attending the president’s inauguration. I believe the president has done more for Blacksthan any other president — perhaps even Abraham Lincoln, who “did good” although the “end result” was “questionable,” and certainly more than Lyndon B. Johnson, who signed into law the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which hasn’t “worked out” so well.

I believe the president has been treated worse than Lincoln, even though Lincoln was assassinated. I believe the president should be added to Mount Rushmore, pronto.

I believe it’s normal that the president wished his friend Ghislaine Maxwell “well” and good luck,” even though his administration charged her with sex trafficking teenage girls for another presidential friend, Jeffrey Epstein, whom the president says may have been killed in federal custody.

I believe the president rightly said of Maxwell, “Let them prove somebody was guilty.” I believe we don’t need evidence against former acting attorney general Sally Yates, because she was “part of the greatest political crime of the Century,” about which “ObamaBiden knew EVERYTHING!” And I believe it was fine for the president to baselessly suggest that a television host committed murder since the host said mean things about the president.

I believe that the reports Russia paid bounties to have U.S. soldiers killed, and that the president was briefed on it, are another “Fake News Media Hoax,” and that such intelligence never reached the president’s desk, even though his administration said otherwise.

I believe absentee voting, where voters mail in their ballots, is good, and that mail-in voting, where voters mail in their ballots, is totally different, and bad — and will result in “the most INACCURATE & FRAUDULENT Election” in history. Except in Florida, where absentee and mail-in voting are the same and both good, “because Florida has got a great Republican governor.”

I believe we should “Delay the Election until people can properly, securely and safely vote” — but that “SCHOOLS MUST OPEN IN THE FALL!!!”

I believe the president won the popular vote in 2016 “if you deduct the millions of people who voted illegally.” I believe he shouldn’t accept the election results if he loses in November.