Donald Not Ordinary - Indictment Would Be Good (Satire)

There's been a lot of talk about a possible indictment of Donald Trump. Republicans are horrified, because they think their favorite demagogue is above the law. Others worry that indicting Trump would just make him more popular. Alexandra Petri takes these ideas on in a brilliant bit of satire in The Washington Post. 

For most people, tripping one by one over a series of rakes that slammed you in the face, causing you to say “Ow!” and “Oof!” and grow increasingly upset, then fall over and lie there flailing like a tortoise that has been flipped onto its back, would be considered an embarrassment. That’s the kind of thing that would sink an ordinary politician. But Donald Trump is no ordinary politician. So maybe, actually, this is good news! Maybe this helps him! Certainly, the repeated blows to the head don’t seem good, and if they were to happen to you or to me, I would say, “This is obviously and straightforwardly bad.” But with Donald Trump, who really knows? I certainly don’t!

There are millions of people who love Donald Trump and think nothing he does is bad! Maybe this will be exciting to them and it will become a meme! Does that mean it isn’t bad, though? Simply, objectively, a thing you would not want to have happen, if you could avoid it?

No time to answer! Donald Trump has fallen into a tank filled with poisonous jellyfish and they seem incensed! Received wisdom says that being stung repeatedly by enraged jellyfish is bad, possibly even deadly. But Donald Trump is the exception to so many rules, it’s hard to say! Besides, think of how this will stir members of his base to action, many of whom already mistrust jellyfish!

Still, though, would it be better for him not to be stung by jellyfish? Just for his own personal health, well-being and relationship with aquatic life? Well …

No time to think! Donald Trump is hurling himself into the sun for some reason! He is leaving Earth’s orbit! His body is covered in icicles! He is flying past Venus, toward Mercury! His lips move, but no sound escapes! Could this be good news, though? Most people would perish in the vacuum of space due to simple physics and biology. But Donald Trump is not most people. And consider: If Donald Trump does vanish into the sun, people who love Donald Trump will be very mad about it! So maybe it is a win for Trump, ultimately. Maybe this will counteract the fact that technically, no one can breathe in the vacuum of space!

Oh no! It appears that Donald Trump is dangling off the edge of a cliff over a vat of chemicals, hanging on by his fingertips! And a goat is now nibbling at those very fingertips! Could this be good? Oh no! Donald Trump just fell into the vat of chemicals! That seems bad, and for most candidates, this would be a setback, but — think how mad his supporters will be! And maybe he will develop some kind of superhuman, resistant skin that he can use to really bother Bruce Wayne in the nighttime! With Donald Trump, you never know! Up is down, wrong is right, maybe it will help!

There is a difference between “something that is good, in itself” and “something that will anger the people who like Donald Trump, which can have scary results.” But I have ceased trying to differentiate between them because I have been burned too many times. The “Access Hollywood” tape. Not one impeachment but two! Urging an insurrectionist mob to attack the Capitol! Now, I no longer see these things as straightforwardly bad and have started to view them as …

No time! Donald Trump might be getting indicted! Listen, many people are saying that being arrested for a crime is the kind of thing that would be bad for you or me or the man on the street! But this is Donald Trump we’re talking about! He shoots the man on the street for breakfast. He is immune to laws! Maybe it’s good, actually! Help!