Women Will Have No Problems If Trump's Elected (Satire)

 

Alexandra Petri responds to Trump's promise to solve all women's problems with this delicious bit of satire in The Washington Post:

It is so much nicer being a woman, now that Donald Trump is in charge!

You barely remember the Biden times at all, except in nightmares. In the dreams, regular eggs cost as much as Fabergé eggs. All the food at the grocery store is too expensive — if you made it to the store at all without being killed, sometimes twice. Also you were always thinking about abortion.

But then you wake up all the way and Donald Trump is protecting you and you are not thinking about abortion.

Mostly you feel wonderful all the time, happy and confident and not depressed because all that has been fixed. Every single problem the country had! Poof! And all you had to do was stop thinking about abortion.

Now, Donald Trump is back and you are not thinking about anything. All your anxieties are gone, now that men are handling all the country’s problems. It would have been a mistake to put a woman in charge! Fortunately, that did not happen. Fortunately, Donald Trump is guarding you. You are guarded! You are not worrying your pretty little head. Donald Trump is protecting you, just like the Bible said should happen. It did not mention him by name, but that was implied.

It was so tough in the before times, when you had to act as though you were a person. It was exhausting, like a dog standing on its hind legs all day. Of course, you weren’t a person, not really, and it is so much nicer to get to stop pretending. Much more restful this way. You are not thinking about abortion. Abortion is back in the hands of those who know best. The choice was the exhausting part; now, you get to be a blessed vessel and raise up as many children as they have decided is best. It is much nicer now.

Before, you thought abortion might even be a reason to vote. You voted! You could laugh, or cry, when you think about it. You aren’t sure which. Donald Trump will know.

Thank God the national nightmare of forcing you to make choices — as though your thoughts and desires mattered — is at an end. You wake up and smile at the picture of your patron saint, Donald Trump. You go to the market (JD Vance is in charge of eggs now; he has been lecturing the hens about the need to fertilize more of them) and buy one dozen. They cost exactly the right amount. You are not thinking about abortion.

Nothing is the matter here. You are so much more relaxed now that the country has no more problems. Sometimes, you don’t think that all of them were problems, but the thought is quick to vanish. You don’t think about abortion. How could you think about abortion? There is no abortion here. It is with the states where it belongs. It isn’t where you are. It’s not important. You’re not important. Donald Trump is protecting you.