Where Is The Room Where They Control The Weather? (SATIRE)

 

Alexandra Petri's latest bit of satire (in The Washington Post) pokes fun at the Republicans who believe our government is controlling the weather to punish them.

of course you know that weather control is one of government’s primary functions

we just have to find the room where it is happening and stop them. this is what i am always saying

any time things get bad

but yes there is a room i’m almost certain of it

there is a whole department of weather charged with inflicting weather on —

not even the president’s enemies, exactly, just people

it has to seem random, you see

it has to seem like the kind of thing that might just happen

or the people will find out and become incensed

even the president doesn’t know, although Donald Trump has started to suspect

when Trump moved that hurricane with a sharpie i bet they all looked up and took notice

people make a lot of mistakes about who controls the weather

they’re not political appointees, of course

the most senior one has been there since the Reagan administration. his name is Dennis (he won’t give his last name)

he keeps saying he’s going to retire, the commute is getting to him

they operate out of Abraham Lincoln’s eye (the left one) in Mount Rushmore and getting there is just impossible

the office politics are a mess, too

Dennis is all about waterspouts

Sheila has her heart set on derechos for everyone and she won’t take no

Karen on the other hand favors haboobs

(they choose them based entirely on how much fun they are to say)

most days they don’t agree on any weather at all

but when they have a big deadline coming up they stay late and order in sandwiches and you can see the eye shining late into the night

don’t tell FEMA about us, they are always saying. FEMA will be so upset that we exist, all those hours of work they put in, trying to help people

or the National Weather Service, says Karen

oh god, Sheila says, imagine the weather service finding out!

trying to track storms, trying to get good information, when all they need to do is come here and grab a sharpie

it’s a good thing for us that everyone who has been looking for a group of people controlling the weather has been so antisemitic, says Dennis. this is the last place they will think to look

that is a common mistake

if anything the office is a little too Christian for comfort

there is a bible on a shelf marked open to the flood for easy reference and sometimes for inspiration Sheila goes and flips through Revelation

but yes they move hurricanes all over the map

that’s the primary thing that they do

the second one is decide what to order for lunch

this often takes a long time

it is not that they’re indifferent to human suffering exactly but they have a quota to reach or they don’t get paid

and Sheila needs the health insurance

a few years ago they had budget cuts and it was just awful

so little weather

and once, drawing some winds on the map, they ran out of ink and a gale died down and several boats that had been about to founder on Lake Michigan were saved

it’s not really political although they are prepared to be political if given direction

there is a big chart in the office listing who voted how and if you call your congressman he can try to get them to stop the winds

so far no congressman has succeeded

only one ever even managed to call and they were so surprised they picked up

but then they just sat on the line saying nothing and finally he gave up

they’re honestly mostly good community members although Karen has been volunteering less

she says, because of Everything That’s Going On and won’t elaborate

Dennis goes online and gives without apparent irony to the gofundme’s of the victims of his storms

and then he shows up monday and gets back to moving them around

i think Donald Trump will come shut them down

if he can find them

he has to know where to look

when Donald Trump gets back in power he is ending the whole enterprise for good

or sending the worst storm that he can think of to his least favorite people

he’s still making his mind up which

of course they’re real

(as real as the button that you push for economic prosperity. big and red and in the oval office. you can’t miss it)

sometimes people talk about climate change but we know nothing we can do makes any difference, we can’t even get them to keep serving breakfast at taco bell

all the important decisions are made in rooms we aren’t in so we can’t possibly impact the weather

but the government can and they are

there’s a room somewhere

we just have to keep looking for the room