A NEW Declaration Of Independence For Today's United States

Andy Borowitz (The Borowitz Report) offers a new Declaration of Independence for today:

When in the course of human events a tyrant imperils a nation, it is the duty of those who cherish democracy to remove him from power.

When in the course of human events a tyrant imperils a nation, it is the duty of those who cherish democracy to remove him from power. 

We the People refuse to tolerate a despot who threatens our country and the world

--He has engaged in corrupt schemes to profit from his office, plunder the Treasury, and steal from the taxpayers.

--He has desecrated the People’s House and the nation’s capital.

--He has perverted the Department of Justice to take revenge on his perceived enemies.

--He has vandalized the federal government, replacing experienced professionals with incompetent sycophants.

--He has deployed a domestic army of masked thugs to terrorize, torture, and kill.

--He has shredded aid for those most in need, at home and abroad, spreading hunger, sickness, and death.

--He has betrayed the nation’s allies and collaborated with its foes.

--And he has committed war crimes, ordering unprovoked attacks on foreign countries, targeting civilians, and massacring children.

We reject him and his enablers.

They must be held accountable and brought to justice.

And such tyranny must never contaminate this nation again.

Today we vow to set the United States on a new course.

To eliminate racism, sexism, and inequality.

To embrace honesty, empathy, and kindness. 

To form a more perfect Union.