Cruz Says Freedom Is More Than Two Beers (Satire)

Alexandria Petri is back with more biting and hilarious satire. This time she takes on Ted Cruz's ridiculous charge that the government wants to limit the amount of beer you can consume. 

After the director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism said in an interview that he was watching Canada’s new two-drinks-per-week recommendation, and he could see making a similar suggestion for Americans if the data warranted it, the Outrage Machine hopped to it. “Does President Biden want to limit Americans to two beers a week?” a Fox News correspondent asked Monday in the White House press briefing. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tex.) showed up on Newsmaxwith a Shiner in hand, complaining that the Left Wants to Control Every Aspect of Your Life. “They’re trying to go after and regulate ceiling fans,” he said, “and now these idiots have come out and said ‘Drink two beers a week.’”

Cruz seems to think that the people in charge of health guidelines are meddling directly in people’s lives. That such guidance, if implemented — which it hasn’t been! — would be not a mere suggestion but tyranny.

And, of course, that is exactly … true! Ted Cruz has never once exaggerated and he is not starting now. Everyone remembers the Gas Stove Purges, when government agents came into our homes to yank out our ranges, often causing hundreds of dollars’ worth of damage to the underlying fixtures, while our children wept and clung to our apron strings and we gnashed our teeth in frustration. Now, all the gas stoves that were not immediately melted down into electric vehicles have been pressed into service as podiums for Satanists to deliver sermons (or, worse, deliver NOTHING!). I remember how, after the Stove Purge, we all were urged to act as bounty hunters, watching to see whether our neighbors or co-workers had caramelized anything under suspicious circumstances, and then the state of Texas gave us money. I am pretty sure that is what happened. That, and not something else.

These guidelines are serious business. We all know how stringently they have always been enforced. Once, I ate six more than my daily recommended serving of pinto beans and I still must send annual reports to the government to prove I haven’t repeated the offense. I had to embroider a bean on my bodice and walk among the community while everyone cried, “Shame! Shame!” I remember those terrible days of the Let’s Move initiative, when I took a 30-second break from moving in order to adjust my shoelaces, and the IRS ate my whole family.

Or the day when they changed the food pyramid from a stacked pyramid of food to a series of triangles urging someone to work out — how many people were whisked off to the Food Pyramid Reeducation Facility. I am still there! I could never wrap my mind around what a tomato was, deep down, and whether it was recommended or not. I haven’t seen the outside world in years!

I’m glad we’re mad. No matter that the new guidelines don’t exist. When they do, I can anticipate how bad it will be. Without our weekly allotment of beers, how will we know what presidential candidate we like for unclear reasons? It won’t just be limiting men to two drinks. Why, I hear they won’t even let men describe how whiskey tastes. And in my experience, that is half the fun of drinking whiskey. If you can’t say something like “this is so peaty … I am getting hints of the Piltdown Man in there,” it’s like you didn’t drink it at all. Soon, I hear, if you even utter the phrase “this has hints of,” someone from the Government comes and slaps the drink right out of your hands. And I doubt they’ll stop there. Remember the ceiling fans? If you don’t remember, that’s because they erased your memory, too! All of these things have happened, just as invasively as I’ve described. Again, I am writing this from the facility where they are making me recite every piece of text from ChooseMyPlate.gov before I am allowed to consume my daily bean.

The p(o)int is, Ted Cruz is correct. The government needs to stop meddling with Americans’ private lives by doing horrible, invasive things like one official suggesting in an interview with a British tabloid that he might possibly change his recommendations for how many drinks a week are healthy. It is good that the people are rising up. If this is not tyranny, what is? Certainly not things that are happening in Texas on a daily basis, like seizing control of people’s uteruses and denying trans kids gender-affirming care. No, this is a free country, and the government needs to stop meddling so we can go back to enjoying our majestic freedoms like being forced to give birth, whether your doctor recommends it or not. Or watching the loudest, angriest parents get veto power over what books your kids are allowed to read.

You know the Mel Brooks quip: Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall in a sewer and die. This is like that, but for government overreach. Tyranny is when you say that you might suggest I drink less beer; freedom is when I force you to give birth and deny you autonomy over your own body. Hooray, beer! I love beer.

Beer Is Still The Favorite Alcoholic Drink In The U.S.

The Gallup Poll recently completed their yearly survey of the drinking habits of Americans. They found that 63% of the population drinks alcoholic beverages, while 36% do not. Of that 63%, beer is the favorite drink (42%), followed by wine (34%) and liquor (19%).

The survey was done between July 1st and 11th of a national sample of 1,033 adults, and has a 4 point margin of error.

Beer Is Still The Leading Alcoholic Beverage In The U.S.

The Gallup Poll has done its annual survey of alcohol usage in the United States. The survey was done between July 13th and 17th of a random national sample of 1,023 adults, and has a margin of error of 4 points.

It shows that nearly two-thirds of American adults use alcohol (65%), while only 35% abstain completely. Beer is still the favorite of Americans at 43%, while 32% drink wine, and 20% prefer hard liquor.

Most Recommended Beer In Each Of The 50 States

The charts are from the YouGov Poll, and show the most recommended beer in each of the 50 states (out of 33 brands of beer to choose from). I just thought it was interesting.

Most Americans Drink Alcohol - At Least Occasionally

I'm not too sure this has anything to do with politics -- unless you think the voters were drunk last Tuesday, or you are afraid the non-drinkers will try again to impose an alcohol prohibition on this nation. I wish the first was true, because then we would at least have an excuse for the idiotic decisions many voters made on election day. And I doubt the second could ever happen again. I just found it interesting, and thought you might also.

It turns out that around 64% of all Americans drink alcohol -- some daily and others only occasionally. The charts above show the figures. The chart below shows the alcoholic beverage the drinkers prefer when they do choose to imbibe. About equal numbers prefer beer and wine (and the two will switch places between being first and second most popular according to the year and the poll). Liquor is the choice of about 1/4 of drinkers.

The charts above and the chart below were all taken from a Rasmussen Poll conducted on November 5th and 6th of a random national sample of 1,000 adults, and has a margin of error of about 3 points.

Gallup Releases Its Latest Survey On U.S. Alcohol Use

(This image is from alternativereel.com.)

The use of alcohol is as old as civilization itself, and the United Staes is no exception. The drink of choice has changed over time, but alcohol has existed in this country in some form since before its birth.

Each year the Gallup Poll does a survey on alcohol use in the United States -- both on the prevalence of alcohol use and the favorite drink through which that alcohol is imbibed. This year's Gallup Poll was conducted between July 7th and 10th of a random national sample of 1,013 adults, with a 4 point margin of error. The results of the survey for this year -- and for the 15 years in this century are illustrated by the two charts below.

One thing I found a bit surprising is that alcohol use by Americans has remained fairly constant throughout the last 15 years (the years of the 21st Century). I had thought that alcohol use might have gone up significantly because of the recession (to dull the pain caused by the terrible economy) or gone down (because of the lack of money with which to buy it). But that is not what happened. Alcohol use fluctuated between 60% and 67% -- a pretty narrow margin.

And beer is again gaining in popularity. In two of the last three years, beer was only one percentage point more popular than wine (and only four points higher in that other year). But 2014 has seen beer rebound -- and post a 10 point advantage over wine. Liquor is still a fairly distant third, and its use by alcohol users has remained pretty constant in this century (in the low 20's).

Wine Is Catching Up With Beer In Popularity

These charts were made with information from a recent Gallup Poll (conducted between July 10th and 14th of 2,027 nationwide adults -- with a margin of error of 3 points).

This doesn't really have anything to do with politics. I just found it interesting, and a little bit surprising. It seems that wine is now nearly as popular as beer in the United States. Twenty years ago, there was a 20 point gap between the two (with beer at 47% and wine at 27%) Ten years ago, that gap had shrunk to 9 points (42% to 33%), and currently there is only an insignificant 1 point difference (36% to 35%). Meanwhile, the popularity of liquor has continued at about that same level over those twenty years.

I knew wine was increasing in popularity in this country, but I hadn't realized it was doing so at the expense of the popularity of beer. I doubt this is of earth-shaking importance (except to the beer companies), but it is interesting. Also interesting, but expected, is the wide gap between men and women over their preference. Men prefer beer to wine by 53% to 20%, while women prefer wine to beer by 52% to 20% -- nearly mirror images of each other.

White House Beer

The  White House let it be known that they were brewing their own beer a while back. That caused a lot of people to want the recipe for that beer, and there was even a petition for the president to release the recipes. That has now been done. There are two different brews -- Honey Ale and Honey Porter. Here are the recipes for any of you home brewers who want to give them a try (although you'll have to substitute for the "White House honey):

Strongest Beer In The World

The Scottish brewery, BrewDog, had already produced a beer with an 18.2% alcohol content (called Tokyo), that had earned it the ire of anti-alcohol forces worldwide. That's more than twice the alcohol content of most beers, ales and malt liquors.

So you can imagine what the teetotalers think about BrewDog's newest product. Their new beer, called Tactical Nuclear Penguin, has an alcohol content of 32%. I wouldn't suggest trying to down a six-pack of this new beer (and a twelve-pack would be totally out of the question).

The 32% alcohol beer is in the class of hard liquor. Many whiskies and other hard liquors only have about a 40% alcohol content. The beer's label warning says, "This is an extremely strong beer; it should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance. In exactly the same manner that you would enjoy a fine whisky, a Frank Zappa album or a visit from a friendly yet anxious ghost."

BrewDog's managing director, James Watt (pictured above), says, "This beer is about pushing the boundaries, it is about taking innovation in beer to a whole new level." The brewery is planning on selling a limited supply of the beer for about 30Pounds each. That's about $40 to $50 dollars depending on the exchange rate. I think the price alone would limit it's intake.

Personally, if I want something that strong I'll stick to tequila, but it is interesting that a beer could be brewed with that kind of alcohol content.