Explaining "Obamagate" (Sort Of)

Donald Trump has a new conspiracy theory. He calls it "Obamagate", and says it is the greatest crime in the history of the presidency (and maybe the country). He's calling for President Obama to get 50 years in jail.

What is Obama's terrible crime? No one knows, and Trump has been unable to define it. (Maybe it's the wearing of that tan suit?)

Alexandra Petri, in an op-ed in The Washington Post, tries to help us understand this terrible crime that Obama is supposed to have committed. She writes:

“What is the crime exactly that you’re accusing him of?” 

“You know what the crime is. The crime is very obvious to everybody. All you have to do is read the newspapers, except yours.” 

— President Trump responding to Washington Post reporter Philip Rucker

Obamagate began long ago, long before Trump even got elected, before he even knew he was running. It began before America, before time, in those early days when President Barack Obama lit the furnace of the sun, just before he fixed the paths of the planets in such a way that millennia in the future, Donald Trump would stare directly into a solar eclipse. And, of course, everyone knew about it.

Obamagate was the biggest political crime in American history by far, a fact that Barack Obama did not hesitate to tell Richard M. Nixon, causing him to shed bitter tears in an as-yet-unreleased tape. It was bigger than Teapot Dome. It was bigger than anything anyone blamed Ulysses Grant for allowing the people who surrounded him to do. Nothing could be worse than Obamagate. It went all the way to the top, where Obama floated inside a sinister Masonic eye at the apex of a pyramid on the back of a dollar bill, holding all the strings.

What was it? Well, I am coming to that. Obamagate, like the Myriad Crimes of Hillary Clinton (to which it was both prequel and sequel, like “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story”) was almost Escher-esque in its design. It had no beginning and no end, and, of course, everyone knew all about it. Also, it was obvious to everyone how bad it was. It was a devious, sinister plot, but also Donald Trump was able to get to the bottom of it very easily, mainly by absorbing articles from FoxNews.com or the personal websites of former Fox News personalities.

This perspicacity is immediately evident when you hear Donald Trump talk about Obamagate. Only he can reveal with stunning clarity the depth and horror of this intrigue, in which “some terrible things happened” and “it’s a disgrace that it happened,” which we know from “if you look at now all of this information that’s being released.” “And from what I understand, it’s only the beginning.”

There is more to come about Obamagate, and we will be stunned, because the horror of it all is clear. One of the many facets of Obamagate is that it prevented people from telling Michael Flynn that lying to the FBI was a crime, even if they were investigating something else; had he realized this, he would not have lied to the FBI, probably? It is a commonly known fact (just as commonly known as that Obamagate is ancient and horrible) that it is polite to lie to the FBI unless you are explicitly instructed not to.

This was the genius of Obamagate! President Obama knew that Donald Trump was his greatest political rival, even though he was not running against Donald Trump (and could not) and Donald Trump was technically his successor, not his rival (Obamagate did not account for this) and so, deviously, he handed power peacefully over to Donald Trump in the routine way. We are not sure if this is part of Obamagate, but we think it must be, that Obama also prepared a pandemic exercise for the incoming Trump team, but cleverly organized it so that nobody who would remain in the Trump administration would pay attention and no one who was paying attention would remain in the Trump administration. And you see how masterfully it all worked out!

Obama is still president to this day, which is why everything that goes wrong is his fault. But that will change soon. Donald Trump is here and can point this out. The rule of law is suffering from the people in charge of the government right now. Their pandemic response has not been all that could be hoped. It is a total disaster and an absolute fiasco, what is going on in the White House right now, or, as I guess we must refer to it, Obamagate. And everyone knew exactly what it was.