Nikki Haley Takes A Stand (SATIRE)

The inimitable Alexandra Petri of The Washington Post pokes fun at GOP candidate Nikki Haley for ignoring slavery as the cause of the Civil War:

The Grand Old Party seems to be in a reverse “Picture of Dorian Gray” situation. Glance in your history book and you can see a young, idealistic elephant confidently on the right side of the Civil War, eager to denounce slavery as a moral wrong. Then you look at the party present day, when the less-extreme candidate has to mince words about slaveryso as not to alienate the base! (I guess a reverse “Dorian Gray” situation is just a picture.)

But, look, “What caused the Civil War?” is just one of a whole host of straightforward questions that no GOP presidential candidate can hope to answer. I have taken the liberty of predicting Haley’s responses to analogous questions. Try this at home and you, too, can enjoy a fun, alarming word salad where “capitalism” and “limited government” are thrown in at intervals, like pecans. Happy 2024!

Who is the current president of the United States?

Capitalism, of course, is so important.

Was it good or bad that a mob descended on the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, yelling “Hang Mike Pence” and trying to prevent certification of the presidential election?

(laughs) Don’t go easy on me! I think the Capitol is certainly, in the hearts of Americans, a place, and capitalism itself is so important. What do you think?

Do the villains in “Star Wars” seem like they’re based on Nazis?

(laughs) Wow, all right! Coming in with a real challenge! So, obviously, freedom is the most important thing. And we keep coming back to that question of, what can the government tell you to do or not do? I think it comes down to capitalism, of course, is good, and we need to do things to make sure that unaccountable bureaucrats aren’t wielding excess power. And stars are wonderful. But most important of all, what role does government play? Are we compensating the contractors who build our Death Stars?

Can you say something bad about the villains in “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” who were clearly Nazis?

Well, I think the villains were basically, you know, any time the free market doesn’t operate to produce maximum freedom.

If we have an election and Donald Trump does not win, does it still count?

Listen, I know about counting! I was an accountant. We need to have capitalism.

Is the climate changing because of human activity?

Freedom is foundational!

Why was the Republican Party founded?

Reasons, of course, and I think government overreach. Also capitalism.

You’re not afraid to say that it was an abolitionist party?

Are you afraid to say that?

Was Abraham Lincoln a Republican?

I think I’m a Republican.

What is “The Sound of Music” about?

I think the subject of “The Sound of Music” is basically, well, so many wonderful things — faith, of course, and the free market, and the waving of flags and, of course, capitalism. And certainly that’s the real question, right?

Are you afraid to say the Civil War was about slavery?

Obviously, I know about the Civil War! Obviously, Republicans looking for a new standard-bearer (not the kind of standard I took down over the South Carolina State House, although I do totally respect the heritage behind that standard!) should feel comfortable about me. I am prepared and know what to say! It’s not that I decided while speaking on the fly that maybe my base would get offended if I said the Civil War was about slavery. And I think that, of course, too.

Say that a party’s lead presidential candidate is quoting Hitler. And not in the incidental way like Hitler probably at some point said, “I will now excuse myself to visit the restroom,” but in the way where the quote is something truly vile, about immigrants poisoning the blood of the country. What would you say?

Well, obviously, it’s so important to cite your sources, as we keep saying about that Harvard president. So I would say that it is bad, if he is doing what that college president did, with regards to citation. But if he says he came up with it on his own, then I trust him, because freedom of speech.

If elected, will you force more people to give birth?

Government overreach is so bad and individual liberty is of course, freedom.

Are you afraid to say that slavery was bad?

Wow, a real doozy! (chuckles) I would never be afraid of freedom. Some things go without saying.

And Donald Trump is not currently president?

Well, of course, capitalism is so important.