Justice Alito Is Afraid His Bias Might Be Hidden (SATIRE)

 

Alexandra Petri give us more great SATIRE in The Washington Post. This time her target is biased Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito.

In the hours after Samuel A. Alito Jr. learned that secretly captured recordings of a private conversation were going to be made public, the Supreme Court justice was frantic, close associates say, worrying the tapes would undermine the image he has worked to create of exactly what kind of judge he is. But when publication revealed the comments to be merely an endorsement of the need “to return our country to a place of godliness,” that worry gave way to relief.

“That could have been so much worse,” Alito said in a subsequent interview. “What if I’d said something temperate or reasonable?”

“Any time I open my mouth, there’s always a chance that something might come out that doesn’t sound petty and vindictive,” the justice allowed. “What if I mishear something and accidentally agree that justices must take care to recuse themselves after any whiff of impropriety? It would take me years to recover from that.”

Alito, seemingly shaken by the possibility, then listed a series of far-fetched utterances that could be equally ruinous:

“I would never impose my religion on others.”

“It isn’t the role of the Supreme Court to legislate from the bench.”

“No, I would not accept a seat on a private jet, even if it was already going to the destination and so the seat would be just going to waste otherwise.”

Alito went on: “Why, just thinking about this made me so stressed that Martha-Ann had to read me my Obergefell dissent to calm me down.” Alito beamed. “In it, I complained that ‘those who cling to old beliefs will be able to whisper their thoughts in the recesses of their homes, but if they repeat those views in public, they will risk being labeled as bigots and treated as such by governments, employers and schools’ — something I printed under my name, publicly, and was proud of, and have repeated in speeches to the Federalist Society!”

Alito also worried that footage might surface from a recent party at which he recalled a guest saying Donald Trump was a wonderful man who deserved both unlimited power and to be the next president, during which Alito apparently remained silent.

“But I was nodding!” he insisted. “I was nodding! Don’t worry!”

So far, the justice has been lucky. But Alito urged anyone who might in the future question troublesome private remarks to go and study all his public speeches and published opinions.

“I am who I’ve always been in public,” Alito said. “Not some impartial justice in a black robe who considers himself above politics, but the guy who mouths ‘not true’ during President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address. If you have any doubt of who I am, look to my op-eds in the Wall Street Journal. I’m just a guy who wants the people who read the Wall Street Journal opinions section to know that he is being unjustly maligned by ProPublica. How else could I look Leonard Leo in the eye?

“My public life speaks for itself,” he concluded.

Still, Alito jumped at the chance to solidify his stances on a few more matters on the record. Ethics? “Unnecessary.” Women? “Vessels. They love to fly flags.” Previous precedent? “Absolutely immune, untouchable.”

He noticed the surprise on this reporter’s face and hastened to clarify: “Oh, precedent? I thought you said ‘previous president!’”