Donald Trump Has A Plan To Fix Soccer At FIFA (SATIRE)

This delicious bit of satire was written by Felipe Torres Medina at The Borowitz Report.

TBR WORLD CUP EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following late-night message from Donald J. Trump to FIFA President Gianni Infantino:

Dear Gianni,

What the hell? I thought you were my best friend. And now I wake up for my 2 am Truth Social AI slop rant/47-minute bathroom trip to find out we LOST? Against Belgium? What does Belgium even do better than America? Chocolate? Waffles? Cruel and unnecessary treatment of Black people? Not on my watch. I can’t believe this. It’s like the FIFA Peace Prize means nothing. Well, after you agreed to my request to have the red card for Folarin Balogun suspended, I have some GREAT IDEAS about how to fix your FRANKLY STUPID sport. How come they can’t use their hands? Are they stupid or what?

- All teams must field 11 players including the goalkeeper. The United States can field two goalkeepers and one of them can be Karl-Anthony Towns. Or Shaq. He seems to have time on his hands. And big hands.

- Each American player is allowed to punch one (1) opponent in the nuts per game. Nut taps do not count.

- More hydration breaks. This game is boring. I want to see more ads of David Beckham selling me literally everything.

- I am calling for an end to ALL red cards, and at the request of Stephen Miller, ALL green cards.

- Can the whole broadcast be the hot babes in the stands? Why do I have to watch the stupid soccer at the soccer game?

- Erling Haaland has birthright citizenship and all the players who made mistakes in our team have reverse birthright citizenship. That means they are not born here. Matt Freese, congratulations, you are now from Tanzania.

- I am firing all referees and announcing their replacement is Marco Rubio.

- Belgium is no longer part of NATO.

- All World Cup games are to be played in the White House ballroom.

- The goalkeeper can use his hands. So can Tyler Adams. Or maybe one of the white players, instead. They seem more trustworthy.

- Lionel MESS-i is not allowed to touch the ball with his hands OR WITH HIS LEGS.

- Belgium is eliminated from all sporting competitions. They are two weeks from developing a nuclear weapon. Pete Hegseth, get ready to bomb another school!

- Team USA starts every game 1 goal up.

- Actually, make that 2 goals up.

- Eh, 3 goals up to make it fair.

- Christian Pulisic now has to wear robot legs like Darth Maul from Star Wars.

- Every U.S. Men’s National Team’s opponent’s dressing room is set to be stocked with water, towels, and Kash Patel downing Michelob Ultras.

- All the other teams have to play blindfolded.

- All American players get a gun.

- You know what, make it 4 goals up.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

Trump Gives World The Impression That U.S. Soccer Doesn't Have To Follow The Rules

 Donald Trump has blundered again, and the people who must pay the price for this one are the players on the United States soccer team.

In the last game, The leading scorer for the United States committed a foul. He was given a red card by the referee, which meant he had to leave the game (leaving the U.S. to finish the game a man short) and could not play in the next game according to FIFA rules.

It can be debated whether the foul deserved a red card. Personally, I thought a yellow card would have been more appropriate. But a red card was given.

U.S. soccer could have petitioned for a review. But that's not what happened. Donald Trump intervened by calling the head of FIFA. Then FIFA changed its rule for this player and said he could play in the next game against Belgium.

FIFA did not give a reason for changing the ban on playing for the U.S. player, and without a valid reason, it is looking like Trump pressured his buddy (the same head of FIFA that gave him a "peace prize" and is know for trying to appease Trump) to change the rules for the U.S. team.

Belgium immediately became upset at the change, and many other countries joined in against the decision. They think the U.S. is being given special treatment.

As I write this, the game against Belgium has not yet been played. But the U.S. team has been put in a no win situation. If the player (Folarin Balogun) plays and the U.S. wins, most other countries will believe it was unfair cheating. And if they lose, the world will still think the U.S. tried to cheat. Either way, it's a black mark against U.S. soccer.

This was a colossal blunder by Donald Trump - but then blundering is what he does best.

NOTE - Belgium appealed the overturning of the ban, but their appeal was denied.

UPDATE - Balogun played in the game, but it didn't make much difference. Belgium easily won the game by a score of 4 to 1. I doubt that will mitigate the way most of the world sees the unethical behavior of Donald Trump and FIFA. 

Football Is Still The Most Popular Spectator Sport

Donald Trump bad-mouthed professional football because many of the players were kneeling to demonstrate for social justice. He even encouraged viewers to stop watching, and bragged about football losing spectators. But his efforts don't seem to have mattered much.

Football is still the most popular spectator sport in the United States -- and no other sport even comes close to the popularity of football. That is not just the opinion of the general public, but both genders, all age groups, and across the political spectrum.

The chart above reflects the results of the latest Gallup Poll on the subject -- done between December 4th and 11th of a random national sample of 1,049 adults, with a 4 point margin of error.

Soccer Thoughts

(This cartoon image of World Cup groups was found at joyreactor.com.)

I spent much of the time that I normally dedicate to research and blogging just watching the World Cup yesterday -- so I thought I'd just make my last post about soccer (football, as the rest of the world knows it).

Like many other Americans (at least those of us who love soccer), I was very disappointed when the group drawing were held for the World Cup. The United States wound up in an extremely tough group -- with Germany and Portugal (two of Europe's best teams) and Ghana (a very good team that had beaten the United States the last two times we played them). I honestly did not think the United States would be able to advance to the next round, since only two teams from each group gets to advance.

But I am very proud of how well the U.S. team has played in this very tough group. They started off by beating Ghana 2-1, and then yesterday they came back from a one goal deficit to tie Portugal 2-2 (and for a while it looked like the U.S. might even win that game). Now the U.S. and Germany both have 4 points, while Ghana and Portugal both have 1 point. That means that after two games the United States still has a good chance to advance past the first round.

We play Germany next, and if we beat Germany or tie with them, then we will advance. We will also advance if Ghana and Portugal tie (even if we lose to Germany). If we lose and either Portugal or Ghana wins their game, them it will go down to tiebreakers (since we would both have 4 points then). Whatever happens now, I am very proud of how well the U.S. team has played. They have represented this country very well.

And while I'm on the subject of soccer, I thought I'd bring you the results of a recent Rasmussen Poll on the subject. The survey (taken on June 17th and 18th of a random national sample of 1,000 adults, with a 4 point margin of error) asked Americans if they thought soccer would become as popular in the United States as it is in the rest of the world in the next five years. A clear majority of 59% said no, while only 19% said yes.

That 19% are far too optimistic. I love soccer myself, and I truly believe it is gaining in popularity very fast in the U.S., but it is still far from being as popular here as it is in the rest of the world. It might one day become that popular here, but it's going to take a lot longer than five years. What do you think?

French Case Delayed For World Cup

There was a very troubling story coming out of France yesterday. Two French soccer players were arrested and charged with having sex with an underage prostitute. That is bad enough, but it has been learned that the men were questioned first back in May by a French magistrate. That magistrate then delayed the investigation for two months so the players could compete in the World Cup. One of the players did play in the World Cup, while the other did not make the final team that traveled to South Africa to compete.

I have to wonder if this French magistrate is truly qualified to do his job. His actions have told his countrymen and the world at large that sports are more important than child sex abuse -- and make no mistake, this is a case about child sex abuse, regardless of whether that child was acting as a prostitute or not.

It seems that this magistrate (and many other people in many countries, including the United States) have their priorities completely out of whack. I can see this same thing happening in the United States, so a player could participate in the Super Bowl, the World Series or the NBA championship, and it would be just as wrong. There is just something terribly wrong with the idea that sports of any kind are more important than child abuse, especially that of a sexual nature.

The readers of this blog will know that I love sports. I have made no secret of my love for my Dallas Cowboys, and I'm a faithful fan of the Mavericks, Stars and Rangers too. And my blogging this month has exposed my obvious love of the Tour de France. I can understand how disappointed a fan would be to find a sports star has gotten into trouble. But I will never condone hiding and putting off a criminal investigation, especially one involving child abuse, just so that sports star can compete in any athletic contest.

I'm not concerned about the two soccer players. A court of law will determine their guilt or innocence. The troubling part of this story is that the investigating authorities would delay their investigation and/or the charging of the offenders to allow their participation in a sporting event. We can debate whether they should have been allowed to compete after being charged, but the charges and investigation should never have been delayed.

It's a matter of priorities, and child abuse should always be considered more important than a sports event -- regardless of what that sports event is.

U.S. Names World Cup Soccer Team

World Cup futbol (soccer to us Americans) is almost here again. The United States will play it's first-round games in group C (starting in about two weeks), along with England, Slovenia and Algeria. Two of those four teams will make it to the final round, and right now, most people think those two will be England and the United States. But Slovenia and Algeria are not weak teams and the United States will have to play some good soccer to advance. Here is the United States schedule for the first round:

6/12..........England

6/18..........Slovenia

6/23..........Algeria

Yesterday, U.S. Coach Bob Bradley named the 23 players he has chosen to be on the World Cup team traveling to South Africa. Now all we can do is hope he made the right choices, and these 23 can take the U.S. far into the finals. Here are the players he has chosen:

GOALKEEPERS

Tim Howard

Marcus Hahnemann

Brad Guzan

DEFENDERS

Steve Cherundolo

Oguchi Onyewu

Jay DeMerit

Carlos Bocanegra

Jonathan Bornstein

Clarence Goodson

Jonathan Spector

MIDFIELDERS

Michael Bradley

Ricardo Clark

Clint Dempsey

Landon Donovan

DaMarcus Beasley

Maurice Edu

Benny Feilhaber

Stuart Holden

Jose Francisco Torres

FORWARDS

Jozy Altidore

Edson Buddle

Herculez Gomez

Robbie Findley

World Cup Groups Are Set

The eight groups have now been set for the FIFA World Cup soccer tournament next summer in South Africa. The United States came out of the draw pretty good. They wound up in a group with England, Algeria and Slovenia. If the United States squad plays up to its potential, they should be able to move into the finals from this group, probably with England (two teams from each group advance to the finals). Here are the teams in each of the eight groups:

GROUP A - South Africa, Mexico, Uruguay, France.

GROUP B - Argentina, Nigeria, South Korea, Greece.

GROUP C - England, United States, Algeria, Slovenia.

GROUP D - Germany, Australia, Serbia, Ghana.

GROUP E - Netherlands, Denmark, Japan, Cameroon.

GROUP F - Italy, Paraguay, New Zealand, Slovakia.

GROUP G - Brazil, North Korea, Ivory Coast, Portugal.

GROUP H - Spain, Switzerland, Honduras, Chile.

Just seven more months and the fun will begin (June 11, 2010). The United States will play England on June 12th, Slovenia on June 18th and Algeria on June 23rd. The results of those three games will determine whether they advance to the finals, or go home.

World Cup Draw Will Happen Today

The waiting is finally over. The 32 teams, including the United States, that qualified to participate in the FIFA World Cup (soccer) tournament will find out today what group they are going to be in, and who else will be in that group. The tournament will be held in South Africa from June 11th through July 11th.

The teams will be divided into eight groups, with each group containing four teams. The names of the participating teams will be placed in four pots, and one team will be drawn from each pot to determine each of the eight groups. Each team will play the three members in its group, and then two teams from each group will advance to a single elimination playoff. The winner of the playoff will receive the trophy pictured above, and be recognized as the 2010 World Cup champion.

Pot number one contains the top seven seeds and the host nation. Pot number two contains teams from Asia, Oceania and North/Central America. Pot number three contains teams from Africa and South America. Pot number four contains teams from Europe. Here are the teams in each pot:

POT #1 -- South Africa, Brazil, Spain, England, Germany, Argentina, Netherlands, Italy.

POT #2 -- United States, Honduras, Japan, South Korea, North Korea, New Zealand, Mexico, Australia.

POT #3 -- Ivory Coast, Ghana, Chile, Uruguay, Cameroon, Algeria, Nigeria, Paraguay.

POT #4 -- France, Portugal, Slovakia, Slovenia, Serbia, Denmark, Greece, Switzerland.

U.S. Qualifies For World Cup

Saturday night, The United States soccer team (futbol to the rest of the world) qualified for the FIFA World Cup tournament to be held in South Africa in 2010. This is the sixth consecutive time the U.S. has qualified for the tournament (after a drought of 40 years between 1950 and 1990).

It was not easily done. To clinch their birth in the tournament, the U.S. had to beat Honduras at their home stadium -- something no other team has been able to do in this round of qualifying. Honduras was 8-0-0 at home.

Honduras struck first with a goal in the second half, but then Conor Casey (pictured) scored two goals in eight minutes. Landon Donovan scored a third U.S. goal four minutes later. Honduras did score one more goal, but the U.S. held on to win the game 3-2.

Mexico also clinched a berth in the World Cup tournament Saturday night. The third team from our region will be either Honduras or Costa Rico (who the U.S. will play next Wednesday at RFK Stadium). Honduras plays El Salvador the same day. The team that does not win a direct berth will play South America's fifth place team for a last chance to make the tournament.

I look forward to seeing the United States and Mexico play in the World Cup tournament. Although not favored to win it all, both are excellent teams that cannot be taken lightly.

U.S. Stuns The Futbol World !

The Spanish futbol team (that's soccer team to us Americans) is the reigning European champion. They are also the number one rated team in the entire world. They had an unbeaten streak of 35 games in a row, and one more win would set a new world record. They had easily won all three of their group games to make it to the semi-finals of the Confederations Cup, and most people expected them to raise the cup in victory after it was all over.

The United States team was ranked 14th in the world, but they started the competition playing like an even lesser team. They lost their first two games, and needed a lot of help just to make it to the semi-finals. Now they were matched against Spain, and nobody expected them to win. Even us homers were mainly hoping they would just play well and not get beat too badly.

But sports miracles do happen sometimes. It happened to the United States Olympic hockey team in 1980, and yesterday, it happened to the United States men's soccer team.

In the 27th minute of the game, Jozy Altidore kicked a goal for the Americans, and that was the way the first half ended -- 1-0 for the U.S. In the second half, the Americans played some great defense, and in the 74th minute, Clint Dempsey doubled Spain's misery by kicking another U.S. goal. In the 87th minute, America's Michael Bradley received a red card, and the U.S. had to play the last 6 minutes short-handed (including 3 minutes of added time).

In the end, it was the underdog United States team shocking the futbol world by beating Spain 2-0. Now they get to play in the finals on Sunday (against either Brazil or South Africa). No matter what happens on Sunday, this has been a wonderful accomplishment for the U.S. team.