It's Not What America Needs To Hear Right Now (Satire)

More great satire from Alexandra Petri in The Washington Post: 

Now is the time for unity. Now is the time for healing. We need to stop saying things that are tearing Americans apart. Hateful, awful things like, “I, Joe Biden, am running for president of the United States.” That is not what America needs to hear right now.

It was good that Biden pulled down his ads and stopped his events and unequivocally condemned the attempted assassination of Donald Trump, but his speech was not enough. As former Republican senator Jim DeMint complained online, Biden mentioned in his speech that he was seeking reelection.

Now is just not the time for such divisive rhetoric! Now is the time to lower the national temperature. Stop raising it by saying, “I still find the things that Donald Trump has said he would do if elected scary.” That kind of language has gotten us where we are and must stop. Hush, and let us instead hear from the unifiers.

Unifiers such as Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson of North Carolina, who during his remarks at the Republican National Convention did not repeat his comment from an earlier speech on political opponents about how “some folks need killing.”

Or Rep. Marjorie “We are in a battle between GOOD and EVIL” Taylor Greene (Ga.), who only said something ominous about “globalists” onceduring her RNC address!

Or Senate candidate Kari Lake, who observed, “Welcome to everybody in this great arena tonight. We love you all.” Isn’t that so wonderfully unifyi— “Actually, actually, wait a minute. I don’t mean that. I don’t welcome everybody in this room. The guys up in the fake news. Frankly, you guys up there in the fake news have worn out your welcome.”

Now is the time to say temperate, soothing, unifying things, such as, “the Democrat Justice Department coordinated ALL of these Political Attacks, which are an Election Interference conspiracy against Joe Biden’s Political Opponent, ME.” Now is not the time to offer any criticism of a man who has toyed with serving an unconstitutional third term as president, televising a trial of Liz Cheney or deporting some 20 million people.

The last thing we need right now is to tear apart this country with vitriolic rhetoric like “I continue to think that Donald Trump’s plan — which his running mate, J.D. Vance, has endorsed — for replacing the civil service with political appointees is terrifying.” That kind of careless language is what has gotten us to this place. If we don’t nip this in the bud, people will say even worse things, like, “Donald Trump’s promise to be a dictator on 'Day 1’ (but just on Day 1!) still sounds ... dictatorial.”

This is certainly a good-faith argument. Don’t you dare insinuate it isn’t. If anyone else had been using any kind of hateful, threatening rhetoric, I would know about it, and I wouldn’t just be hushing the people whose violent slogans (e.g., “I didn’t enjoy the storming of the Capitol on Jan. 6 one bit!”) have degraded our national discourse possibly beyond repair.

Why, people are out there saying that they “are in the process of the second American Revolution, which will remain bloodless” if their political opponents allow it to be! Wait, this was said by the head of the Heritage Foundation? My mistake. This is unifying, actually.

Remember, this is a democracy, where we pride ourselves on free speech. But there are limits. Right now, for instance, worrying aloud about the erosion of that very right is absolutely unacceptable. Now is not the time to say, “I like having a democracy, and I still think it’s at stake this election, unless I missed something big?” Now is the time to say nothing.